Mar. 29, 2010 - Wow
Well i finally got a message off him at 1pm telling me to leave and to make my way to the place we had agreed to meet. Lol the next hour was spent panicking and fidgeting and texting.
Him. Ready or not, here i come, will be 45 minutes.
Me. God i'm scared now. Just got on the metro. Hair like a scarecrow and white with fright.
Him My hair is wet from the shower so it should behave itself. Yay the suns coming out too
Me Your hair would look good even if it got mussed by the wind. Could kill for a drink, i've got a mouth like Ghandis flip flop.
Him Oh and you have no reason to be scared frightened. I want you to be yourself when we meet
Me That has helped a lot, thank you. I've relaxed a bit. I'm 3 stops away, gosh the journey has gone quickly.
Him I'm halfway there. Will be about 20 mins depending on traffic and stopping for passengers.
Him Kicking myself for forgetting my earphones for my music on my phone. I've always got them in my jacket but not today lol. sigh.
Me It's with all the rushing. I'm on a seat next to a memorial
Him Just coming up to Regent Center so 5 mins away.
Me Ok hope you know where i am cos i don't.
Him Good. I will be about 5 mins. See you soon.
Me Ok lol
Him I know exactly where you are. Won't be long. Stuck in traffic
Me Ok
Him Just got off bus. On my way to you now. 5 mins.
Must admit that i was a bit paranoid at this point, I did wonder if he was actually going to turn up. Those 5 mins seemed to last an eon. I kept twisting about on the bench to see if i could spot him approaching. I can't count how many times i dropped my phone or my bag because i was so nervous. Finally i saw him and just beamed at him, then i felt a bit shy so i turned away. He came right up to me and was about to sit down when i stopped him. A few minutes before, a seagull had took a huge dump on the seat and i didn't think he would appreciate it if i let him sit in it.
We moved to another bench and sat for a little while, chatting and smoking then he decided we should go to a pub. Off he strode, very fast and i struggled to keep up. Seems to be a dominant trait that, bloody fast walking. I have one speed, i call it trundle lol. The next 5 hours flew past. We talked, had a few drinks and then went for some food.
Next thing on the agenda was a visit to one of his friends. It was kind of weird as we made our way to the bus stop. Walking down a main street in newcastle, it was dark, the moon was out and there was a guy playing a flute. It just made it totally surreal. After much faffing about we finally made it to his friends house and ended up staying the night. I found that soooooo frustrating. During the day we had kissed briefly but i wanted more. I wanted to be alone with him, i wanted to know what it would feel like to be kissed properly and to feel him touching my skin. I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire evening. I realy wanted him to rip my clothes off and to fuck me senseless.
It was such an amazing feeling to lie naked next to my Master when we eventually got to bed. I had no clue what would happen if anything but he did kiss me deeply.....finally.
We left the next day and i went back to his home and once again stayed the night. Bloody hell it was hard to leave the next day. I stared at him for as long as i could as the bus pulled away. Wondering if i would see him again and if so..when? The journey home was horrible, i was so happy and yet very sad at the same time. My Master had given me concise directions on how to get from the bus station to the metro station but i wasn't paying full attention and i ended up getting lost in newcastle.It was dark and raining quite heavily but that wouldn't bother me normally, i would just brazen it out and ask someone to direct me but for some reason i couldn't do that. I felt very small and frightened and thats not something that i'm used to.
Anyway i did find my way home after about an hour of wandering and soon felt like my old self again once i knew where i was.
I haven't had much time to update this journal recently, so much has happened but i will make a renewed effort in future.
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Mar. 27, 2010 - Glad i'm not jaded
Well after my outrageous forwardness in making first contact with a man, it's been decided that we are going to meet later on today. I'm nervous as hell especially because he's just told me that something came up and he would be late  I do understand why he couldn't break this appointment but it hasn't stopped me feeling like i'm back at the bottom of the food chain again. Thats just me though, my problem and i'll get over it.
I'm not jaded, i still believe in people and will always try to look on the bright side. There is a bright side because we we're up til god knows what time chatting and i slept in so at least now i can relax in the bath and take my time getting ready.
I wish the stupid birds would shut up. They're getting right on my nerves and so is she next door with her frigging hoover. And him on the other side, i'm sure he's having an affair with his wheelie bin cos he's forever wheeling it up and down his path. I dunno, i thought i was weird but obviously not.
Right i'm off, i don't know how much time i have.
Wish me luck 
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Mar. 22, 2010 - Phone
YES! We spoke on the phone for an hour last night and it was a very enlightening experience. I'm also pleased to report that it was an easy and comfortable conversation too. You know, when the phone rings for the first time its always a bit unerving because obviously you don't know what the other person will sound like and i'm always worried that they will have a high pitched voice. Its a bit of a turn off for me but he didn't, he's got a nice deep masculine voice, great accent too.
After that we chatted on msn til 3 in the morning about all kinds of things. There was no criteria. I really enjoyed it and felt a little bit deflated when he had to go but thats a good thing in my opinion.
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Mar. 20, 2010 - Freaky
I started chatting to a local man last night. I made the initial contact with him on collarme, just complimenting him on the openess of his profile. I had looked at it a few times over the last month or so because he's kind of cute and has lovely long hair. I suppose in the back of my mind i had hoped that he would notice me and would maybe get in touch. I know he had browsed my profile too. We've exchanged phone numbers and have been texting each other and he said he would give me a call later on.
Anyone who uses collarme will know that you can add friends to your profile so being nosey i took a look at his friends list. There is one woman from my area who appears on a lot of profiles of people who are local to me also and sure enough, she was on his friends list. The freaky part is when i clicked on her profile, my last Masters picture is right next to this new guys picture. Gave me a bit of a gliff i must admit lol but i kind of liked it. The idea that one man is my past and the man next to him could be my future.
I'm not getting ahead of myself and i'm not rushing into anything. I'll just see where this goes.
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Mar. 17, 2010 - Consistency
Consistency is very important to a slave, especially to an unowned slave that is seeking a Master. Hot and cold, wishy washy, intense and then absent...send mixed messages to a girl.
I need to know that a potential Master does what he says he's going to do. That makes me feel secure. If I do not feel secure I can not trust him. If I do not trust him then I can not "let go." If I can not "let go" and let him "in" then we can not create a bond. If we can't create a bond, a foundation, then we can not build upon our relationship. It will not withstand obstacles and day to day ups and downs. I need to know that no matter what the situation my Master is calm, cool and collected. He does not fly off the handle or let his emotions get the best of him. He does not feel the need to scream at me or insult my intelligence If I am not ready to move at a faster pace before a D/s relationship is established and agreed upon. He realizes that consistency, being present and doing what he says he will do is the one sure way to prove that his intentions are real. Unless he is consistent I stay confused.
I also believe that people make time for what's important to them. I do and I'm pretty sure you do too, especially Dominant men. If they want something it's been my experience that they zero in on their target with precision and focus. Nothing stops them, not if it's something that is truly important to them....in their career, their personal life and you, if they are interested in you as their potential slave. A Man makes time for what is important to him. If he doesn't call, it's because he doesn't want to. If he doesn't remain consistent, it's because he doesn't want to.
Unless there is an isolated extenuating circumstance such as medical or family emergency. Even then a Master can still remain in communication and update you on their situation instead of causing you to worry or be left emotionally vulnerable. Cell phones and internet service make that possible :)
My thoughts are this, if a man calling himself a Master can't remain consistent either he's not a true Master, is hiding something or you're not important to him. His actions towards you, others and in his personal life, his consistency will tell you a story. His past behavior will do the same. We are all on a journey and people do change and grow but if his past history is consistently inconsistent then most likely he will be the same with you.
Consistency, something that is very important to me.
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Mar. 14, 2010 - Lesson Learned
Just read the first entry that i made here and i'm actually cringing with embarrassment. I won't delete it though, i'm going to keep it as a reminder not to be so naive in future. I don't know why i thought this one would be different but the warning signs were there all along, i just chose not to heed them. My bad i guess. I'm submissive not stupid ( although that is debatable at the moment ) and i should have used my head, there is no excuse for it.
I'm not bitter about it, i had prepared myself for this outcome but i am annoyed by the fact that he has wasted a lot of my time these last 2 month. Not just by messing me around but also with the daily duties he had me perform. They took a lot of effort on my behalf and it was all for nothing. My schedule was this..
- I had to send him 2 devotional sentences every day, one by text before midday, The other via email before midnight. They had to be sexually explicit. The difficulty arises after a short time because how many different ways can you write sentences about worshipping someones penis without becoming repetitive.
- Once in the morning and again at night i had to kneel on the floor, kiss an old shoe and repeat this while doing so. "I am Miyuke, my Master's property. My mind, body and soul belong to him and I respect them as his belongings. I am beneath his contempt. I am honoured to be his slave, his slut, his whore, to serve and be used as he sees fit. I dedicate my entire being to his pleasure, My Lord, My Master, My Owner: I learned the sentence but never worshipped the shoe, it just felt silly.
- Then there was my daily plans that i emailed, telling him what i was up to that day.
- A daily food diary of what i'd eaten and when.
- His initials had to be applied to my body in permanent marker
- Then on top of that there was weekly tasks. Had to be something unique, a website he hadn't seen before, a story etc but again something sexual.
- A weekly weigh in
- Permission to masturbate. If he agreed that i could, i had to put £2 in a jar to be handed to him when we met ( haha hilarious) and he was going to purchase a chastity device with it. Obviously i had to tell him as explicitly as possible how i masturbated. It just becomes a huge hassle so i stopped asking and playing with myself.
So i'm doing all this stuff, online research, erotic mails, losing weight, keeping him aware of my movements and all i would get back was a text saying good sentence or good girl. It got boring for me. I think i could only maintain this for 5 days at a time then i stopped doing it. He was quick to demand and get in touch when he didn't get his daily attention, asking what the problem was and i told him, i can't do this online crap when i never see him. I think thats fair enough. So the other day i got this text from him.
How many plans and sentences have you missed over the last few days. Can you think of a single reason why you shouldn't be dismissed? I can't! In fact it would appear by your lack of obedience you are actively seeking dismissal.
I replied
I have never sought dismissal but believe that this is what you have wanted for a while now. I don't interest you, you don't want me. I can't serve you truly without physical contact. I told you before we met that i was not looking to be ignored for weeks on end, done that and won't do it again. Online is fine for in between times but it's been 2 months now and i need to be of use and you don't have one for me.
His response.
I have been waiting for you to prove that you can fulfill your duties for a whole week without disobeying, forgetting or otherwise failing which you have not managed to do so far. If you cannot manage to do those few basic simple tasks i'm afraid i'm not prepared to allow you to graduate beyond that to a physical presence. You are trying to run before you can walk and it is not acceptable. You knew this and i have given you many chances and allowances and let you off but you simply won't or can't do it. So with regret i am going to let you go. No hard feelings, good luck. I hope you find what you want.
I didn't reply, it's a crock of shit. Run before i can walk? What the hell does that mean? I'm not some newbie having her first experience. I know what i need and want. I found that remark extremely arrogant and it just goes to show he didn't know me at all. This made me laugh " i'm afraid i'm not prepared to allow you to graduate beyond that to a physical presence." OMG, i think giving him oral sex for 5 hours is a helluva graduation.
Nevermind, its over now. The second i got that text i took my collar off and felt like a weight had been removed. Another lesson learned.
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Feb. 20, 2010 - Contrast
Sitting on the bus years ago, on my way into the town when my attention was drawn towards to a couple who were seated a little way in front of me. A man and a woman both in their late thirties. It was interesting observing their body language, they were very closed off from each other, hostile, resentful. I honed into them so i could hear what they were saying. She was berating him, telling him that he got on her nerves and she wished that he would go away. He looked as if he had given up, there was no fight in him and he just kept telling her to shut up. Rather sad really to see two people who probably loved each other at one time being so nasty to each other.
The got off the bus ahead of me and i watched them walking away. They weren't a couple, they weren't 'together'. Married in name perhaps but they were like two seperate units wandering off. Now that they could reduce their proximity to the width of the pavement they no longer needed to talk, or argue to be correct. Just silence and bad feelings between them.
I had planned to do my shopping but as i was walking up the main street in the town i caught the aroma of vanilla and cigarette smoke ( it's actually rather nice ) and i forgot about the things i should be doing and headed towards my favourite coffee shop. I ordered a large cappucino and took it to a little booth at the back of the shop. I sipped at it and casually looked around. A woman entered, she was like a little blond pixie, dressed in an unusual combination of a feminine dress and a leather jacket. She stood for a moment, holding the door open and a man came in behind her. He was tall, with long black hair, dressed in denim. They both had a grungy look to them but they were very striking. They sat in the booth next to me, opposite each other. They didn't speak,just looked, almost drinking in the others appearance. Their eyes said a lot, communicating without words. He took a cigarette out of his jacket, placed it between his lips,staring at his woman until she smiled shyly and leaned over the table to light it for him.
While one spoke, the other listened, not interrupting and taking a genuine interest. There was something going on between these two, something private but tangible. It was beautiful to see. I admit i was a little jealous of the meaningful and loving looks he gave her and the adoring way she regarded him. Such a huge contrast to the couple i had seen on the bus. I was quite sorry when they got up to go. At the door, the woman turned and smiled at me. That's when i noticed the very thin leather collar that was around her neck.
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Feb. 19, 2010 - Turn tail
I am a chicken. I completely bottled out of sending my confrontational email yesterday. I'm not afraid of hearing the truth, i think what spooked me was not getting back some kind of clarification from him. It worries me that if i do get up the courage to broach this that he will let me down by saying that he hasn't changed his mind, that he still wants me and then for things to continue as they are for another couple of months until i get fed up again and start asking questions.
My morning tasks were all done on time today and they were complete but this evening i withdrew and started feeling resentful so no evening tasks have been done. I get until midnight to do these, any time after that and they are considered late and Master takes a dim view of this but hey, tonight, i don't care. It's 2 am and i haven't heard anything from him but i expect i will by the morning.
This is my pathetic attempt at rebellion. It won't make things any better, i know that. All i'm going to gain from this is exactly the same thing i got last time that i assumed something : a punishment that i had to think of, it can't be a physical one that would require his being there obviously and it had to be something that i could administer to myself. Well bloody hell, if i can do all that, why bother with the aggro of having a master to answer to.
Maybe i could start a new trend. Lets call it self-domination. It works just like regular domination but it's more efficient because you're the only force to be reckoned with in this relationship. I'm warming to this idea a lot but i'm going to need some guidelines of course....
How about these
Worship
Forget kneeling, i will lay on the sofa and worship the tv for several hours.
Control
I will show how much willpower i have by only eating one family sized gateaux at dinner instead of three.
Discipline
There will be times when i need to punish myself so a half day in a salon being plucked waxed and encased in hot mud should suffice. Hey it hurts you know and its perfectly acceptable because i'm the master now, i make all the rules.
Orgasm denial won't be a problem because every time i ask myself if i can masturbate i'm going to say yes and the same goes for any other activity i enjoy doing. If it's something that i don't want to do then permission will be denied. I've decided i like my slave to be fat so i can eat anything i want. I've even thought of how to get around the problem of verbal humiliation which i love. I just visit the local corner shop when there is a gang of lads outside. They invariably call you a " fat slag" and ask you to suck their mates cock.
Thats everything covered i think. I feel like a 'twue' slave now. Hah!
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Feb. 18, 2010 - Seed of doubt
Hmm, i'm in a weird frame of mind today and it's not good. It's been exactly a month since i met my Master and we haven't met up since then and there has been no mention from him of another date. I've hinted at it, that i really need to see him but he took that as critisism and told me not to whine about the amount of attention he gives me.
How do i approach this discontent i feel with him without appearing as if i'm complaining? He knew about the failings of my last relationship and how unhappy i was with sporadic meetings and all the waiting about i did and now he is doing the exact same thing. You know, i feel as if again that i'm the one that is putting all the effort into this and i'm not getting much back from it. I do my daily tasks without fail and i abide by his rules and yes, i will give him is due, he does acknowledge this but ( and its upsetting me to admit this) It's not enough, not after all this time. I'm not interested in online bullshit. I'm a slave, i need to serve, i need a Master who wants to be with me physically.
So today is the day i take the bull by the horns and just come out and say it and to hell with the consequences. My devotion is beginning to waver and its not fair. I did ask him last week if he had had a change of heart. I said its absolutely fine, i won't be a problem, just call it a day and leave it at that but he insisted that nothing had changed and he still wanted me and that it wasn't up to me to assume things. Ok fair enough but he has done nothing to show me that this is in fact true.
What isn't helping ( or maybe it is actually ) is that i still keep in contact with a small of group of dominant males that i've been chatting to for a while and they have given me their opinion on my situation and they have all more or less said that if they had a sub, they would want to be seeing her regularly, not just for play but to get to know her and do interesting social things together. I take that with a pinch of salt though because thats the same thing that my Master promised me before we met.
This is so awkward, i don't want to make him feel bad nor do i want him to feel that he HAS to see me but if he doesn't see me, my attention is going to be drawn elsewhere. I've done the waiting game and i don't want to waste anymore of my time on it, especially if this is the way its going to be from now on. Like i said in a previous post, these relationships often go tits up and mine is heading that way rather quickly. It's a shame but unless he does something about it, i'm going to be lost to him. My trust will go and once that happens there is no getting it back. And don't get me started on losing respect. I haven't got the stamina for it at the moment.
Thats it for now. I'm going to send the dreaded email to him, explaining whats going on in my head.
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Feb. 16, 2010 - Switching
This entry is going to be difficult to write. It's something from the recent past but by holding it in and feeling afraid to to talk about, i'm giving it a credence that it doesn't actually have. If i can just get it out, i think i may finally be able to exorcise it.
The day i met james (and its almost 4 years to the actual day it self) ,i asked him if he had ever switched at all. He said he hadn't but was curious about it and that i didn't need to worry about it because he was dominant, not just sexually but in his working/social life too and he didn't have a need to submit. I was happy with that and thought no more about it. You see, i have heard about submissive women being fierce and fairly dominant with most people other than their Master in their everyday life and they could probably quite easily top a bloke. I'm not like that, by nature i'm passive, quiet and would struggle to dominate a conversation, much less another human being so i was relieved to hear that this wouldn't be expected of me. So we began a relationship that if i'm completely honest was based on sex or to be more precise, his need to recieve oral sex, with the occasional chore/task thrown in for good measure. Hmm strange, i'm getting angry as i'm writing this, not at him but at myself. Never mind, on we go.
So two months into the relationship, james mentioned that he wouldn't mind trying a submissive role. Now, this is where the sly little bastard got me because he said that if i wouldn't experiment with him, he would explore this side with someone else, while continuing to keep me as his sub. Obviously by this time i had developed feelings for him and really didn't want him messing on elsewhere so i agreed to do it reluctantly. It's not a role i'm comfortable with, yes i can do it but its just acting, its not who i am, it's not real. I don't enjoy it on any level.
Over the next 2 years, his sub side appeared more and more and i started losing interest in him. Looking back on it now, i see how badly he treated me, not the bdsm things but the way he treated me as a person. I mistook domination for manipulation, what he did was wrong, he messed with my mind far too much. For instance, he knew i didn't like dominating him but he would insist. I would obey then half way through a session he would decide to change back to his dominant role and i would be made to suffer for not keeping him under control. His capacity for cruelty grew, often ignoring me for weeks and just telling me to come over to his when he wanted something. We never had a conversation, we never went anywhere, we didn't do anything together, not even something as basic as watching a movie or going for a coffee.
My feelings for him changed dramatically one evening. I clicked on his informed consent profile and in the friends section it said that he had met a switch woman from Leeds in real life the previous month. He hadn't told me about this so i confronted him and he insisted he had told me but he honestly hadn't, i would have had something to say about it if this was the case. That was when the rot set in, he said that nothing had happened when he met her, it was just a coffee. I later found out just last week that this was true, from her, she told me she had met James for coffee but she rejected him, she thought he was arrogant, had too high an opinion of himself and that he was a snob. She had his measure right enough, she didn't like him at all and they hadn't played but regardless i didn't trust him any more.
March 2008, a week later i had had enough. The relationship was going nowhere, he wanted kids and marriage and i wasn't going to sit about doing his bidding while he did what he pleased. I know that sounds strange, i can put up with a lot but i will not be used while my supposed dom ( never called him master ) looks for a fertile replacement. So i ended it, i told him to his face, gave him the reasons and said i hoped we could still be friends. He agreed and i left. I never heard from him for quite a while, more than 4 months. It suited me though because we had nothing in common and had never actually been friends while we were together.
We saw each other on and off over the next year or so. He adopted his sub role more and more which i didn't mind, he was easy to get along with when he was like that. I would spend hours talking to him about it, trying to guide him. He said it was something he needed to do, to get it out of his system before he settled down. That should have been a huge hint that he was a player because i couldn't imagine ever getting that part of me 'out of my system'. The strangest thing was, that during our D/s relationship he had always been remote, unfeeling but now he was getting clingy, wanted hugs and affection, wanted to see me all the time.
Summer last year, i was desperately missing all the good things that come with a D/s relationship and i wanted to start looking again for a dom. I mentioned it to james and he didn't take it too well. I felt sorry for him so i kept quiet about it. I started getting offers from dominant males but i declined, partly because of james and mostly because i didn't feel they were what i was looking for. So, thats how things went on until i got a message on CM from my current Master who piqued my interest and everything else. There was no way i was going to pass him by because of my pathetic ex.
The night i met Master, i told james and made it plain that until i had spoken to my Master about him, i wouldn't be able to see him because i didn't know how he would feel about that. I never actually got round to mentioning james because i have zero interest in the man, i don't want to see him again and i haven't seen him since i was collared. True to form though, he reacted badly but then he consoled himself by thinking that i was just making up stories about being collared, i wouldn't tell him who my Master was so in his mind i was lying about him. I couldn't be arsed to argue with him but i assured him that my owner was very real.
The following Saturday morning i got a text off james, he needed to talk to me so i went on to msn. He said that he had finally had a realisation that he wasn't dominant at all, that being a sub was what aroused him the most and that he wanted to meet a domme. I put him in touch with one of my friends, an older lady but very good at what she does and told him that she could help him out, in a safe environment. He got in touch with her and they arranged to meet the next week. I was pleased for him and once again spent a lot of time talking things over with him. After a while i told him that i was meeting my mate but i would check back in with him when i got home. Some time later i arrived home and went back onto msn just to see how things were going between him and my domme friend. He wasn't using his sub ID, he had logged in using his dominant one
The conversation went like this...
amanda: Why are you using this account?
James: Just chatting to a subby
amanda: After all you said earlier on?
James: I'm going to meet her.
amanda: Whatever, i'm really sick of this now.
James: she doesnt know what I have been wearing throughout the conversation
amanda: Yeh, you should tell her you're wearing a chastity device, tell her what you are, a fake.
James: I'm Dom
amanda: Hilarious, ok.
James: No I am. Its just my dog wont cooperate
amanda: I am NOT your dog, i told you this.
James:listen, I may just have to take a few days off from being sub as I explore this one.
amanda: Take forever off.
James: I knew you would take it well
amanda: I couldn't care less. You aren't my problem.
James: You dont mean that
amanda: Don't i?
James: Well it might be for the best
amanda: It is, i wash my hands of you.
James: I understand. Listen lets talk tomorrow
amanda: Nothing to discuss, i'm done.
James: we will talk again but I understand
amanda: No we won't and no you don't understand.
James: I'll leave you to cool down
amanda: I'm not het up.
James: I'm too tired just now chat later
amanda: Listen, do what you want to do, i honestly don't care.
James: listen I was never looking for a life as a sub
amanda: Nothing more to say, it doesn't matter.
James: chatting to her now on cam awkward
amanda: I'm sure you will manage to lie your way through it
James: would rather chat to you later, alone
amanda: Really, there is nothing more to say, its all been said. Its time you moved on. You don't know what you want.
James: Bye for ow
James: now
amanda: No james, its just goodbye.
Then i blocked and deleted. He is also removed from my friends list on profiles. I blocked his phone number and email address. He can't contact me. I really do feel used and spat out by this parasite, he betrayed me and my trust time and time again and i think the reason i got mad earlier is due to the fact that i allowed this to happen, i put myself in that position and let him take the piss out of me. I thought i was getting something from him, that being submissive meant that you had to suffer, that you didn't get your needs fullfilled, that all you do is serve, blind servitude. On reflection, i deserve what i got for being so stupid.
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Feb. 16, 2010 - Alpha Male
Still loving my ownership and everything that comes with it. I was just pondering why it feels so different with my Master from all the other relationships i've had. I think it could be that we didn't wait about, chatting online for months and maybe getting a false perception of the person behind the screen. Plus, he made such a great impression on me, right from the start. I felt so at ease with him, he is not like the usual males i encounter.
Master takes good care of himself, physically and mentally and he is patient, persistent and consistent. He told me what he wanted and didn't need to ask specifically what i wanted because as he got to know me, he knew what was good for me and thus, what was good for both of us. He didn't drill me with a bunch of silly or sex charged questions. He showed me pictures of himself and shared personal information with me without me having to pry.
What drew me him the most was how respectful he is and i believe he has my best interests at heart and he cares about my welfare. He never once whined about fakes which is a common theme, he was too busy looking for what he needed in his life to give him satisfaction and fulfillment, not wasting time on people that weren't suitable. He did, after a short time request some kind of verification from me so i sent him a short video of me saying hi and in return i got one of him.
It's awesome knowing such a well rounded guy, he isn't a fantasist thank goodness and although he does push and stretch me, he never gives me unrealistic tasks or goals. I've never had such a mental connection with anyone before and everything just seems to be falling nicely into place. I know these kinds of relationships can go tits up in a rather dramatic fashion but for now it is an amazing relationship to be in, its symbiotic and healthy and from now on, i won't ever settle for anything less.
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Feb. 12, 2010 - Conversation
I had a rather thought provoking chat with a man yesterday. We discussed domination and submission. How surprising! He says he is dominant but switches occasionally and it was the topic of male submission that intrigued me the most. He said, and i quote " his submission is (clearly consenting) but with a struggle... I get off on the forced aspect of it rather than the "wanting to please" aspect. " and " I like dominating best!! And to be honest as I think about it now I wonder if my submissive side isn't just another way to "free" that aggressive domineering nature - only in an environment that is less about agreement. I just want to cum, if that isn't an option, i lose the control "
I didn't really get it to begin with but i spoke to my Master about it and got his angle on it and now it kind of makes sense. At first i thought when he said he lost control he meant that he started getting violent almost but now i see it a bit like this....
A female friend of mine told me about her first D/s relationship. She had been exploring the aspects of domination and female supremacy online for a long time and eventually met up with a male sub. Bearing in mind that this was her first experience, she didn't recognise the red flags and made a lot of mistakes. Like the guy i mentioned a moment ago, her sub did not have a deep rooted need to serve. For him, it was about getting his sexual needs satisfied and he used my friend, his domme as an instrument to do this. A really unhealthy exchange of power that left her drained and him content.
For example : He needed constant attention and had to be reminded of his place all the time. He had to be in a constant state of arousal or he would lose interest and start playing up. He wasn't happy just to be in her presence, he had to be worshipping her feet or she had to keep humiliating him with demeaning pointless tasks or name calling. He was inept at pleasing her sexually, emotionally or socially. They couldn't have a regular conversation, everything centered on his sexual gratification. She would come away from seeing him feeling tired, frustrated, used and yes, angry. She eventually ended the relationship thank god, she saw the light and realised that he wasnt a sub at all. Since then, she has found herself a slave that fullfills HER.
So i think this is what he meant about loss of control. Any subbiness he feels leaves him if he isn't going to be able to orgasm. It's a total contrast to the way i serve my Master. It would pain me so much if i found out that i wasn't enhancing my Masters life. I want him to feel relaxed when he is with me, i don't want him to have to constantly think about wether i'm happy or not. My happiness comes from knowing that i'm serving Master in the way he requires. I want to entertain, amuse and listen to him, fetch anything he needs, do whatever needs doing. I don't need reminding of my place or my worth, i don't need rewards or praise. His approval is my reward.
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Feb. 10, 2010 - Online
I actually quite enjoy reading slave journals on other websites i've come across over the years. I've just been reading one now, it's quite comprehensive with a new entry being written most days. A lot of the things that the slave talked about resonated with me, it's comforting to know that you're not the only person that has these thoughts.
I read her journal backwards, starting with the newest entry first which began with how she was no longer owned. I felt for her, knowing how painful that can be. Going back through the months, she talked about how much she had changed and grown under the guidance of her Master, how much she loved him, how her TPE relationship fulfilled her. It wasn't until i got to the last few entries when i realised something. Her 'meetings' with her Master were always described as sessions, detailing that they talked or that she was used as the instrument of punishment when she had disobeyed. It dawned on me, she had been serving this guy for 2 years but they hadn't actually met.
Now, i'm not one of them people that looks down on online relationships. They work for some and thats fine, if it makes you happy then go for it. But, i was truly amazed at how much this woman was submitting online. If it is true what she said, her Master did have total control, even things like her bank account and that came about within the first week of her begging for her collar.
That brings me to another point, begging for a collar. Whats that all about? I don't think i could see myself doing that. If Master hadn't offered his collar when i met him, i wouldn't have asked/ begged for it. Its his choice to give it and not my right to ask for it. These are just my opinions, my thoughts, i don't wish to offend anybody.
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Feb. 9, 2010 - Beginning is Easy
Well, a lot has happened in the 3 weeks since i met my Master. The relationship is moving along quite nicely. My previous unsculptured existence has been re-organised and i now have some structure in my life. Admittedly i have made mistakes already. My timekeeping isn't as good as it could be but i'm doing my best to improve it with his help.
Sometimes when i sit and reflect, i can't believe how lucky i am to be collared by a man who is never impatient, who shows an interest and actually listens and takes note of the things i tell him. Nothing gets by him and if i do slip up, he is quick to notice it and resolutely gets me back on track again. He doesn't threaten, he acts upon it.
This is a contradiction but i'm bound to him and yet i have never felt so free in my life. I have nothing to hide, no subject is taboo. He knows all my dirty dark secrets. It's true when they say " Capture the mind and the rest will follow."
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Jan. 22, 2010 - Company of Wolves
I was supposed meet him at 1 pm. I did really want to get there before him so i could watch him enter and approach. It didn't happen that way though because i had fussed and fretted all morning about what i was going to wear, that it was actually 1pm when i stepped off the bus and i still had a 5 minute walk ahead of me to get to the pub. My phone beeped, oh god i had a message. For the next few minutes the conversation went like this :
"When you get here, come straight into the pub and turn right. I will be in that room."
I replied saying " Thank you, getting off the bus now. I will have a cigarette en route. "
"Can i get you a drink, ready for when you arrive or will you choose when you get here?"
" Would you choose something for me please? "
" Glass of red wine here for you. "
A panic stricken " Thank you. "
" Enter and turn right when you are ready."
" Come on in i won't bite."
" Lol ok, coming now "
I stood around the corner, fretting for such a long time, i was terrified. I saw someone in my peripheral vision turn the corner. I thought it might be him and i visibly jumped but it wasn't. The poor woman looked at me like i was mad and i don't blame her, i must have looked a bit frazzled by now.
It is now 1.15, i was very late, i had kept him waiting for quarter of an hour. First and foremost i really didn't want to piss him off and secondly he had been so patient with me and he even had the good grace not to mention my poor time-keeping so that is what gave me the courage to make a move. The walk down to the pub was like a living nightmare, my knees kept giving way, i was shaking and i couldn't focus my mind enough to cross the road safely.
Eventually i managed to get across the road and i approached the pub with the precision of a military operation, keeping out of the line of sight of the windows so that if he did happen to look out, he wouldn't be able to see me. I got to the outskirts of the pub and hid behind a bit of tall stone wall. Slightly hysterical, i giggled at how ridiculous i must have looked while i tried to catch my breath. I cowered there for another five minutes then made the final plunge ahead...
You had given me exact instructions as to where you would be. I pushed open the door of the pub and i saw a bar ahead of me. Luckily enough the place was quite empty. There was only a group of 4 women sitting next to a table in a nook beside a large window. I glanced at them but they were engrossed in their conversation and didn't notice me.
There was an arch to my right and i could see through it into a small cosy looking room. The walls were lined with the usual pub paraphernalia, empty spirit bottles and various brasses. I walked towards the arch, my shoes sounding painfully loud on the polished wooden floor. I still hadn't regained full control of my legs yet. A few more steps and i was in the room that contained my possibly future Master.
He was sitting in the corner on a high backed wooden seat. My first impression was that it reminded me of a throne. Snatches of a previous conversation came back to me, about how he liked his space so i had made a mental note not to sit too close to him. He smiled, stood up and embraced me. I felt embarrassed by his proximity because he smelled so clean and scrummy and i must have reeked from all the cigarettes i had smoked that morning in my panic.
After we had hugged, he indicated that i was to sit opposite him on a low velvet covered, padded stool. True to his word there was a glass of red wine on a table mat, placed in front of the stool and he was drinking a pint of some ale. I sat down, so did he and i stared at him for a few moments. He was dressed in black which i love, broad shouldered with a slim waist but he was well built, powerful looking and he had the most amazing warm smile. I honestly felt like a fat urchin in his presence. A voice in my head was saying " Kill me, just kill me." I mean, i didn't want to be killed or anything like that and i was being rather over dramatic but i could have quite happily crawled under the table and hid.
To help things along and to embarrass myself further ( i'm good at doing that ) I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. I said " You're very good looking." It was true but it probably didn't need to be said at that point. He was very gracious about it, he thanked me and if i was making him uncomfortable, he didn't show it...
Just wind me up and watch me go. I honestly have no idea what i gabbled out next. I was gushing like a schoolgirl, having 2 conversations, one with him and one with the sensible me in my head. Sensible me was telling me to stop acting like a fool but my runaway mouth wasn't taking the slightest bit of notice. Thankfully, he silenced me after a while. He just said, " You look cold." Then he reached over and took my hand in both of his, rubbing it gently to warm me and get the blood flowing again. It gave me time to pause and think back.
We hadn't known each other very long really, it was less than 3 weeks since he first contacted me. I wouldn't normally feel confident meeting someone this quickly but if i am completely honest this is the first time i have actually been eager for it. I had been hoping that he would suggest we come together, sooner rather and later. During the time that we spoke online, we discussed the things that he would expect from me, the kinks he enjoyed and what i could expect from him. He shared information with me about his personal life without me having to ask and i adored him for that, i hadn't known this kind of openess before. He did encourage me to ask questions though and if there was anything i didn't understand fully, he would very patiently explain it to me.
Daily tasks would be a part of my new regime, nothing major or too time consuming, just little rituals to remind me of him and of my devotion to him if things progressed further. I wanted them to but obviously that would be his decision and i still had no idea if he thought i was suitable or not. The next thing that happened gave me a clue that he was thinking of keeping me.
He noticed that i was wearing a bracelet and he touched it, examining it with such gentleness. I blustered because it was turning me on having him examine my cheap bit of jewellry. He turned it around so that he could see the charms underneath, carefully saying out loud what each one was as he delicately touched each charm in turn. I mentioned that i had forgotten to wear a necklace today and he said that was ok, that he had a necklace in his pocket for me. He handed me a black jewellers box. I was stunned and touched that he had gone to the trouble of buying me a gift, it was unexpected. I tried to prise the lid off but my fingers had no strength in them. Like a child, i meekly held out the box and asked if he could open it for my please.
Inside was a silver chain and a round pendant. It showed a black pewter wolf, howling at a white enamel full moon. It was beautiful and a perfect choice considering an interest that we both share. Actually he reminds me of a wolf at times. I shivered because i knew what this meant. The necklace was to be a symbolic collar, something that i could wear in public as a constant reminder that i belonged to him now. I stared at it for ages, drinking in what it would mean once he put it around my neck. I reluctantly closed the lid and handed it back to him for later. We ordered another drink, chatted some more then left the pub to go to his home. I was so excited...
Walking beside this very attractive, tall and virile looking man was giving me cheapies. His home is at the top of a very steep hill. He strode ahead of me while i trundled behind, jogging some of the time to keep up. I couldn't help but smile at how ridiculous i must have looked. We arrived at his front door, he entered and i stood on the doorstep, red faced and out of breath. I asked if i could stay outside a while so i could smoke but he said no, i could smoke inside and he told me to come in. We went into the living room, i was handed an ashtray and i lit up while he opened a window. I didn't want to smoke in front of him and felt bad for doing so, especially as he sat beside me on the sofa. I turned away from him slightly so i could blow the smoke out of the window. Now i'm thinking about it, it was a rather ignorant thing to do but it didn't occur to me at the time. I felt his hand in my hair, tugging gently, playing with it. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation, losing myself to it, not wanting it to stop. I stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray and turned to face him. He allowed me to rest my head on his chest for a moment then i was told to get up and follow him to the bedroom.
Standing at the bottom of his bed, i removed my shoes and coat and put them on the floor. I was told to kneel, my very first submissive act for him. My eyes were down but i could hear him moving about then i saw his boots arrive right under my face so i knew he towered above me. I heard him say, "Take your top off." There was no hesitation, i didn't pause and removed my top without question, plus the blouse i was wearing underneath. I am quite shy so didn't remove my bra but he leant over me , unhooked it and slid it off and my skirt was dispatched in the same way too. He told me to look up, he had crouched down and was holding the pendant. He said, "You know what this means don't you, you know what it symbolises?" I nodded my head, yes! Never had i been so sure of something. He was offering me the chance to serve him and to be the slave i knew i could be. There were no doubts, no second thoughts, just YES!
The collar was placed around my neck with a polite reminder that it was now " Yes Master."
"From the very first moment I saw you across the room, I knew you were my destiny. No man had ever captured my attention so fully or made my heart skip a beat the way it did that chilly February day. Your smile lit up the entire room, your laughter was delightfully contagious and your mere presence warmed my heart and soul"
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About Me
I've always wanted to keep a regular journal, just so i have a record of events and thought processes that i can look back on. Maybe see where i have made mistakes or just to remember little things. I dare say i might offend some people with my opinions but thats not my intention.
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